Dealing With Difficult Emotions
This past week I needed to deal with some difficult emotions. As I went about the task of dealing with those emotions, I realized that this might be a topic worthy of some inspection here at Primrose Ponderings.
What is a “difficult” emotion?
Before I get into the “how” of this post, I would like first explain what I mean when I say an emotion is “difficult.” Perhaps quite obviously, a “difficult” emotion is one that is difficult to feel.
Emotions that are commonly difficult are feelings such as grief, anger, hate, jealousy, sadness, disappointment, anxiety, loneliness, and fear. You might be able to name a few others, as well.
Why a particular emotion feels difficult could vary from person to person and what feels difficult to one person might be less so or not difficult at all for another. Much of the difficulty lies in whether or not we have found an effective method for dealing with that particular emotion.
For example, grief used to overwhelm me to the point where I couldn’t even handle seeing other people who were grieving. As I became more adept at dealing with my own grief, I eventually got to a point where I could not only deal with my grief, but I am now able to help others who are suffering with deep grief themselves.
My example also highlights a hopeful point: While difficult emotions might always be difficult to some degree, we can minimize their intensity in the future by learning to deal with each difficult emotion as it arises for us.
When I lose someone I love, for example, I will still feel grief over my significant loss. But having “worked on” that emotion for some time, I now have the skills to prevent grief from overwhelming me and making me feel as if I have literally have no control over it.
As you might have already guessed, the difficult emotion that I was facing last week was not grief. My difficult emotion — and one that I am not yet adept at handling — was rage. As I was processing my strong emotion, I learned that the emotion I perceived as anger had actually turned into rage because of a situation that had been unresolved (and growing) for me for about a year.
Because of previous self-reflection, I knew that the event that triggered my rage felt similar to situations that I’d experienced in the past. Identifying that connection didn’t ease my suffering, but it did give me a clue as to what else I needed to explore in order to make sense of an emotion that took me a bit by surprise.
In my particular circumstance, my rage welled up within me at a time when I couldn’t walk away from it immediately. Being able to take time alone to process my emotion at the moment it happened would have helped me to find a way to process it more quickly and effectively. As it turned out, though, it took me over a day before I could find a quiet time and space to consider what had just happened.
When I found my quiet time, I was able to identify, analyze, and document the process which I believe would help me to process my rage. Essentially, I came up with a checklist of items, which I’m sharing here. This may not be the best or most complete list, but in making it, I’ve identified a way through my difficult emotion.
Here’s what I wrote to myself, as if I were writing this list for someone else:
How to Process a Difficult Emotion
Identify the emotion. Is it clearly just one emotion? If you don’t know exactly what the emotion is, make a list of all the emotions it might be.
Allow the emotion to exist. Don’t label it as “bad” or listen to any self-talk that says you “shouldn’t be” feeling it. If it feels right, thank the emotion for being information that could ultimately lead you to be happier and healthier.
Explore the emotion through talking or journaling. If you choose to talk to others, restrict discussions to safe individuals who will not judge you harshly, who will keep any confidences you request, and who are themselves emotionally healthy enough to be a productive listener.
Make connections to past experiences that have triggered that same emotion in you. Who or what seems to be the trigger for you? Why did you feel triggered in the past? How is this experience the same or different from previous ones?
Pray or meditate. If you have a Higher Power whom you feel comfortable talking with, now would be a good time to ask for help. If the concept of a Higher Power seems foreign or unappealing to you, take time to quiet your mind and find an answer from within.
Find a way to deal with the emotion that will be healthy for you. While you may not yet know the exact path to take that will be the most healthy for you, take whatever steps you can identify as moving you in a better direction.
I’m currently working on step 6 of this process in my current situation. That doesn’t necessarily mean I am “done,” though. I may have to repeat steps or circle back to a previous step that I thought I’d completed.
When it comes to our emotions, we don’t “complete” the process of handling them in a clean fashion that means we never have to deal with any “step” again. Emotions are messy and the process of dealing with them can be even messier. The roadmap I’ve created for myself is just a guide. It is not the definitive list of how to “fix” my emotion once and for all.
How do you process difficult emotions?
Do you have a process which you use when difficult emotions arise within you? If so, congratulations! You’ve obviously thought about the “how” of processing your emotions and, I suspect, that you’re adept at identifying the message your difficult emotions are trying to convey to you.
If you’ve not yet given thought to a process for dealing with difficult emotions, spend some quiet time thinking about it. If you feel stuck or need help immediately, feel free to use my process and adapt it as you wish.
Difficult emotions exist not to make our lives miserable, but to help us grow into a happier, healthier human. When you master the process of acknowledging and dealing with your emotions, your road to happiness will be well-lit and, hopefully, just a bit less meandering.
Yet another great one you have shared here!