Does Having Children Make You Happy?
I once asked an uncle of mine, “From a happiness perspective, do you think it’s better to have kids or not?” After a slight pause, he said confidently “It doesn’t matter. I was happy before I had kids and I’m happy now that I have them. While my life would be different without kids, I wouldn’t be fundamentally more or less happy than I am with them.”
Some happiness studies have suggested that children actually cause a dip in happiness while the kids are growing up. After the kids are grown, however, studies have also found that folks with children tend to be happier than those who don’t have children. But that isn’t the entire story, either, and when one delves into the details, it turns out that it’s very difficult to assess how having children (or not) relates to happiness.
When I was a young woman deciding whether I wanted to have kids or not, I read a book to help me decide. The book I chose explored specific reasons for wanting and not wanting children and then offered various helpful suggestions about each one. I noticed that all of my reasons for having kids were selfish; for example, the biggest reason I wanted kids was so I wouldn’t be alone in my old age. By the time I finished the book, I’d decided that I couldn’t justify having kids simply because I had a list of emotional needs that I wasn’t willing to work out.
I don’t think everyone should make the same decision that I did. I don’t even think that folks should forego having children even if they are aware, as I was, that their reasons for wanting children are mostly “selfish.” I now believe that most things we do are selfish in nature so I wouldn’t say that’s the most important factor in choosing whether to have children or not.
For me, not having children was the best decision at the time I had to make the choice. Now that my friends are enjoying their grandchildren, I sometimes wonder if I made the best decision overall. When I question my decision, though, I often remember what my uncle said and I realize that I can be happy either way. It all comes down to what I focus on.
Knowing that I did some analysis of whether or not to have children has provided me with a measure of comfort in the moments when I’ve second-guessed my decision. On the other hand, there are times when I’ve had to simply accept that I made a decision and consciously choose to believe that it was the best one.
I’m not implying that I delude myself into believing something that isn’t true. Rather, I know that there are always pros and cons to any decision and, if I truly want to be happy, the key is to focus on the pros and not the cons.
If, like me, your childbearing days are over, might you make the same choice to be happy with your choice, no matter what it was?
If you’ve not yet had children, you might be inclined (as I was) to do some analysis before making such a life-altering decision. I highly recommend considering the pros and cons of having children, but I would also suggest that you not get too wrapped up in whether you are making the “right” decision or not. Even if you make the best decision for now, you could still regret it later.
The most important aspect of your eventual choice is in remembering that you have the ability to decide whether you will be happy or not with whatever decision you’ve made. Most of the time I’m quite happy about my own decision to not have children. Whenever I begin to doubt my decision, however, I remember my uncle’s wise words.
It’s not having kids or not that makes us happy, but, rather, it is how we feel about our decision that ultimately determines whether we will be happy or not. Remember that and you will be happy regardless of your own decision.
