If Only I Had _______ , Then I'd be Happy
“If only I had __________, then I’d be happy!”
What would you write in the blank space?
Have you ever said (or thought) that sentence and then gotten the thing you were hoping for? Were you happy after you got what you so desperately wanted? If so, how long did your happiness with it last?
Though we may not be consciously aware of it, most of us live in a state of thinking the “next thing” will be the one to make us happy for all eternity. We are often surprised to find that the reality of getting what we yearned for was not nearly as exhilarating as we had imagined.
Many of us are like kids at Christmas who have begged for weeks for a toy that we finally get on Christmas morning. The joy of opening that gift is palpable! “Yeeeessssss! It’s just what I wanted!!!” we scream with glee. And you can guess the rest of the story: a few weeks, days, or maybe even hours later, the gift is barely touched again.
The “this next thing will make me happy” thought is a trap because there will always be another thing to desire. No matter how many things we accumulate, friends we pursue, or status we attain, the yearning continues until we die. Unless… we do something intentional to avoid the trap.
I understand the draw of this trap because I fell for it myself. I achieved many of the things that I thought would finally end my search. Some of them not only didn’t live up to my expectations, but they actually made me quite unhappy!
The fancy house, for example, came with a lot of work and some quite unpleasant neighbors. My Lexus came with hefty repair costs, such as $600 for a headlight (over a decade ago when $600 was actually a lot of money!). The swimming pool required endless cleaning, even when it was too cold to swim.
Our obsession with the next thing isn’t limited to things, however. We can also be trapped into thinking that we need plastic surgery to fix our figure flaws, a romantic partner to fulfill our longing for love, or children to make us “complete.” We’re shocked to discover that our new body doesn’t make us love ourselves more, that our partner annoys us in myriad ways, and that the kids don’t behave as we had envisioned when they were just a twinkle in our eye.
Whatever the thing, the dream, or the ideal that we imagine, if we’re not well-practiced in finding gratitude for what we already have, the “next thing” is likely to bring more disappointment than joy in the long term.
Things can bring us joy but often not in the way we expect. My big, fancy dream house allowed me to host my friends with style. But the small house in which I now reside has seen its share of joyful times and when I look around my home, my mind often wanders to the joyful moments of connection that have occurred there. And I don’t have to spend as much time cleaning up after a gathering at my small house! ;)
It took me a long time to realize that the “next thing” wasn’t making me happy. I suffered disappointment after disappointment until I discovered that I already had the wealth that I was seeking. When I began purposefully focusing on what I already had, I began to feel the warmth of contentment that I could rekindle in any moment, simply by holding gratitude in my heart.
I’ve learned that what’s most important to me is not the stuff or achievements that I used to pursue, but in having a peaceful life filled with friends, family, and fun. Though I still pursue what I desire and appreciate it when new things or experiences enter my life, I now realize that it’s not what I have that matters, but how I feel about what I have that matters.
When I think about my current life, I feel incredibly blessed because I know that I don’t need the “next thing” to be happy. Whatever I choose to put in my awareness today is what will make me happy (or not).
If you’re stuck in the trap of the “next thing,” the first step is in realizing that there is no “next thing” that will bring you ultimate happiness. If you’re not happy with what you have now, with where you are now, and with the person you are now, you won’t suddenly find yourself being happier when something “out there” changes for you.
My frequent readers already know that the foundation of happiness is in learning how to be grateful. If you’re new to this practice of gratitude, review some of my foundational posts on gratitude to help you get started. Eventually you’ll be able to finish that sentence with a word guaranteed to bring you happiness:
If I only had GRATITUDE, then I’d be happy.