Navigating Grief at the Holidays
My family is struggling with grief right now. We lost my brother Doug and my uncle Duane just a week apart, both a short time before Thanksgiving. For some reason, my family likes to die around the holidays. Besides the two I just mentioned, I also lost my maternal grandmother on November 19th (1987), my paternal grandfather on November 14th (1996), and my father died on Thanksgiving Day (1981). My mom, being a Christmas Elf herself, couldn’t miss celebrating Christmas, so she died on January 2nd (1997), after the holidays. (She even told me on that final year “Let’s just get through the holidays.”)
Whether our loved ones die on Thanksgiving Day or in the middle of July, the holidays can be a difficult time for grieving families. The empty space at the holiday table can be a stark reminder of how great our loss is. For some, the empty chair reflects the hugeness of the hole in their heart.
Is there any way to mitigate the pain of loss during the holidays? I’ll be actively working on that myself this year and below are a few things I’m going to try. If any of these ideas resonate with you, give them a try yourself:
I’ll be holding more tightly to the family members that I still have on this side of heaven. I’ll hug them tighter, send them heartfelt greetings, and pray for them more often. Most of all, I’ll be more quick to let them know that I love them.
I’ll be searching for new traditions to integrate my loved ones into my celebration. Perhaps I’ll put out a photo of them in a Christmas frame. I might buy an ornament that reminds me of my loved one. Even though my mom died decades ago, I still put out Christmas decorations that she made.
I’ll talk to my family about our loved ones and remember the good times we had with them. Photos and videos are bittersweet reminders, to be sure, but seeing them gets easier with time and the memories are heartwarming.
I’ll be listening to music that soothes my aching heart, such as Michael McDonald’s “Peace.”
I’ll cry when I feel the need. Tears are our way of releasing the sadness of loss. In fact, some people struggle to cry, so when the tears come, I’ll be grateful for the cleansing release.
In what way might you honor your deceased loved ones this holiday season? Do you already have a tradition(s) that helps you to remember your loved ones fondly? Would beginning a new tradition help or hinder your healing process?
One final, but important, note on remembrances is that you don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to. Some people deal better with grief by not spending too much time looking back to the past. In fact, all of us need to live in the present more than we remember the past. But one emotion that trips us up when we try to live in the present is guilt. It’s easy to feel guilty when we are having fun, laughing, and enjoying the holidays without our loved ones.
People often ask “What would your loved one want you to do?” when guiding a grieving person. It’s a reasonable question for us to ponder. In most cases, your deceased loved ones just want you to be happy. They don’t need you to cry over them to prove your love. They will rejoice when you rejoice.
There is a related question that some of us might need to ponder, as well: What value does guilt and sadness serve for your loved one? It can’t bring them back. It doesn’t change their experience in any way. Essentially, any time spent feeling guilty is wasted because it serves no beneficial purpose to your loved one.
But might guilt serve a purpose for you? Feeling guilty for being happy doesn’t mean you love the person more than if you didn’t feel guilty. You love the person the same no matter what. That being the case, why live in sadness, guilt, and despair when you could embrace the moments when you feel hopeful, joyful, or (at least) peaceful?
Grief has its own timetable and you may feel a lot of heavy and difficult emotions if you’ve lost someone recently (and perhaps even if it was not so recently). Feel the emotions that come up, observe them, and let them pass when they are ready to do so. But when a crack appears in the heavy emotions and the light comes in, let it in. Let it in in full force. There is no better way to honor our loved ones than to embrace all the positive emotions that life has to offer.
Grieving families have their work cut out for them at the holidays, but we can honor our loved ones who have passed while also embracing the wonder of the holidays. Even through your tears, you can allow the peace of this season to enfold you as you remember those who have already passed on to heaven.