Being Intentional With Our Words
Have you ever noticed how casually we use language sometimes? We say things like “I love your hair!” (OK, only women and smart husbands say that) or “I love fig newtons!”1 But do we really love these things? In most cases, even if our feelings are quite strong, “love” isn’t the proper word.
“Love” is perhaps the most overloaded word that we use, but it’s not the one that I’m the most concerned about at the moment. Lately, I’ve been noticing how often we use the word “hate” when we don’t really mean it.
I suspect you’ll dispute this (at least initially) when I give you a few examples:
“I hate onions!” I’ve been saying this for as long as I can remember. In my case, though, I don’t actually hate onions. If they disappeared off the face of the earth, I’d be sad. Onions are a necessary ingredient in many of the foods I love.2 If I truly hated onions, I would avoid them entirely and I definitely don’t do that.
“I hate waking up early!” This one is actually closer to true for me. One of the reasons I focused on retiring early is so I could have a more flexible schedule. Since retiring, there are few things that I’m willing to set an alarm clock for. But the list isn’t zero. I don’t hate early rising so much that I refuse to ever do it again.
Ah, but here’s one that many of you will relate to:
“I hate traffic!”
Having worked my entire career fighting Washington, D.C. area traffic, I can empathize with anyone who has to sit in their car or on public transportation more hours a day than they would like. My dislike of traffic has always been fairly strong. Besides my general impatience at it, I’ve mostly felt that it’s a huge waste of time.3 Once, my (then-)husband and I bought a house six miles closer to our jobs in order to make our commutes more manageable!
As much as I dislike traffic and as much as I was willing to do to avoid it, saying that I “hate” traffic is still an overstatement. In our everyday language, the word makes sense to use. After all, if I say “I dislike traffic a lot” you would probably want to one-up me and say, “Sorry to hear of your dislike, but I HATE traffic!”
The problem with this casual sort of use of language is that it distorts the actual meanings of words. We can dispute the exact meaning of the word “hate” — our dictionaries even have entries for the casual way we use it — but if we continue to use this word so often and in so many circumstances, how will we have the words to describe something we truly hate?
Once you start listening, you’ll notice this phenomenon everywhere. When I started paying attention, I was horrified to notice how often *I* used the word “hate.” Ironically, I’m more careful about using the word when it is actually closer to being true.
There are people within our government whom I borderline hate. When I talk about those people, I try to stop short of saying I hate them. I worry that even saying the word will take me to a place of rage that could get me into trouble. I’m fine feeling my strong emotions, but I do want to be careful about allowing my language to shape my feelings instead of the other way around.
When I noticed how careful I am about not saying “hate” when I’m on the verge of actually hating something or someone, I wondered why I use the word so casually when I mean it even less. Shouldn’t I be even more careful when I’m being less accurate?
Overall, I worry that the casualness with which we sling about the word “hate” creates casualties in our world. When we say we hate someone or something, our minds begin to believe it. Even if it’s just a tiny bit, our feelings escalate to match our words. It’s a dangerous slope toward violence that can happen imperceptibly if we’re not paying enough attention.
The lesson I’ve taken on for myself as I’ve pondered this phenomenon is that I need to be more aware of the words I use. While it is difficult to express ourselves sometimes, the more intentional we become with our words, the more often a better word will appear in our minds.
Even if we can’t find a different, more accurate word to describe what we are feeling, at least knowing that the word we’re using (e.g., “hate”) isn’t entirely accurate is a good first step toward being more accurate.
What have you noticed with regard to your own speech? Do you have any suboptimal patterns that you would like to change? Might we even be able to change how we feel if we use language that reflects how we hope to be than as we currently are?
Being intentional with our language is yet another tool in our Happiness Toolbox that will help to make us happier. We just need to remember to pick it up and use it!
I’ve never understood the appeal of Fig Newtons. I assume that they were invented by someone who had too many figs and needed a way to get rid of them. ;)
Just threw that “love” in there to see if you were paying attention. It would have been more accurate to say “foods that I enjoy.”
I now have ways of managing my impatience better and traffic doesn’t bother me as much. I use it as a time to be meditative or to listen to some of my favorite music. I sometimes think that God may be using the traffic to get me to slow down and listen to His Voice.