Being Nice vs. Being Kind
When people meet my boyfriend Stephen, one of the things they often say is “He’s so niiiiice!” I’ve heard this so often that it’s become a joke with us. If I call him “nice,” he knows I’m poking fun at him. ;)
I’ve known a lot of “nice” people in my life, including many of my family members. That has made my life very pleasant. But over time, I started to notice something about “nice” people. Some of them aren’t very kind.
If you look up “nice” in a thesaurus, you’ll find that “kind” is a strong match and if you look up the definitions of each, you’ll see a lot of overlap between them. You might think, as I once did, that these two words mean exactly the same thing. As I started exploring the concept of being “nice,” however, I discovered that there are some important differences between the two.
Both words evoke feelings of sympathy, helpfulness, and agreeableness. Other words that might come to mind are amicable, friendly, and giving. In a sense, this is all true. But the devil is in the details and understanding the details is critical because, as I pointed out in an earlier post, being nice can kill you.
To understand the differences between these two words, we need explore not only the external results of being nice or kind, but also the internal feelings and root of the actions that we view externally.
When someone is being kind, they are focusing on the well-being of the person to whom they are directing their kindness. The words and actions that they choose will align with what’s best for the other person in the long term — even if it hurts them in the short term.1
In contrast, when someone is being nice, they will focus on how to avoid conflict or how to make the person feel the best in the short term, regardless of how it might affect them in the long term.
Let’s look at an example to make the point clearer.
Suppose you have been having a difficult time keeping a job. Maybe you’ve been fired several times. Perhaps I also know that you’ve gotten low scores on your performance reviews and that you’ve been reprimanded by your bosses repeatedly for yelling at customers.
When you share the sad news with me that you’ve been fired yet again for the same infractions, I can choose to be nice and tell you that it’s not your fault and that your bosses just don’t “get you” or some other such comment that will make you feel better in the short term.
But if I want to be kind to you, I will have to point out that I’ve noticed that you keep getting fired for the same reasons. That will be difficult for you to hear in the short term, but if I convince you of my observations, at least you will have the awareness that it’s not your bosses, but rather that you are engaging in suboptimal behaviors that are getting you fired.
Most of us want to be viewed as “nice,” so it’s understandable that we engage in behaviors that appear to be kind but actually are not. Being kind might also bring us the positive attention that we seek, but if we are truly trying to be kind, there will be times when it will hurt us to be kind.
Therein lies the fundamental difference between the two words: Being nice often comes at the expense of the other’s best interests, but it makes us feel better, so we ignore the truth or sugarcoat it so our friend or loved one (or even a stranger) doesn’t feel badly toward us.
Being kind might be difficult to do in the short term because we may feel bad if our words or actions hurt others. Folks who are kind don’t like giving difficult news any more than the rest of us, but they do so because they know it will eventually make the other person happier, healthier, and more successful.
If you find yourself being nice more often than kind, it can help to understand the underlying mechanism for niceness. Those who are “too nice” do so for any of a number of reasons such as avoiding conflict, not wanting to feel bad for the other person, or needing to be liked.
In essence, the reason that someone might choose to be nice rather than kind is because it’s easier on them. In other words, the thought of the other person being upset or not liking them is too much to bear, so they do whatever they need to do in order to feel OK themselves.
If I know that I’m being "too nice,” what can I do to work towards being more often kind than nice? You will need to be willing to feel the “negative” emotions that arise when you choose to be kind. Most people know when they are being nice rather than kind, but they default to being nice to avoid those difficult feelings.
Remind yourself that you’re actually helping others more when you tell the truth, when you maintain healthy boundaries (e.g., learning to say ‘no’), and when you’re willing to take on the heavy feelings that sometimes accompany being kind.
Though few people would call me “too nice,” even I have chosen to avoid pain at times when I’ve been nice rather than kind. I’ve had to work at this issue myself, so I know it isn’t easy to be kind rather than nice. You won’t always get it right, but just acknowledging your preference for being nice rather than kind is a good start.
As for Stephen, we’re working on his niceness and are making progress. Just the other night, for example, as we were going out for dinner, I asked him “Does this dress make me look fat?” He kindly replied, “No, it doesn’t, but your hips sure do.”2 ;)
I intentionally used the vague pronoun “them” here because the person I’m referring to could be either the “giver” or the “receiver” — and possibly both. In other words, being kind might be painful for either of you or for both of you in the short term, depending on the situation.
In case you don’t know Stephen, he enjoys making jokes… and some of them are even funny! The “does this dress make me look fat” joke is one that makes us both laugh. :)