Boo! :)
How to Handle a Scary Situation
Happy Halloween! :)
Halloween is a holiday that many people find appealing because of the fun aspects such as dressing up in a costume, getting or giving candy, and watching children find joy in trick-or-treating.
Many people enjoy the fear aspect of the holiday. Movies such as the aptly named “Halloween” were popular when I was a kid. Haunted houses have been steadily increasing in popularity since the 2010s. Other activities that appeal to those who enjoy the adrenaline of fear have popped up, too, such as live horror experiences, zombie runs, and spooky corn mazes.
I personally don’t understand the appeal of being scared on purpose, but there is a physiological component that can leave one feeling exhilarated once the frightful situation is over (among other appealing aspects of the experience). I suspect that the safety of these controlled situations allow people to experience the thrill without feeling that they are truly in danger.
In real life, though, being in a fearful situation isn’t quite so much fun.
Are you currently having fearful thoughts? Maybe it doesn’t happen all the time, but do you have moments of fear that leave you unable to think clearly, confused, or unwilling to make decisions when you know you need to?
Do you avoid certain situations because of fear? Do you seem to make poor choices or fail to achieve your goals because of fear? Do you feel that fear might be keeping you from living your best life?
I’m no expert on overcoming fear, but over the years I have gathered a number of methods that I now use routinely to calm my own fearful mind.
Face Your Fear
Facing my fears head-on has always been the first step for me. I can’t overcome a fear that I’m unwilling to admit I have. Sometimes simply naming and/or describing my fear will bring some clarity and cause the intensity to subside.
If I see a scary spider, for example, I think “I’m afraid of this spider because I’m afraid it might be venomous.” Knowing that my fear is limited only to the harm I might suffer if it bites me, I can find out if this particular species is dangerous to humans. If I find out it is not, I calm down immediately.
You, of course, may fear all spiders, no matter whether they can harm you or not. If that’s the case, you’ll have to dig deeper than I do to find out why you have a fear of spiders, but there are other situations where, like me, sussing out the details around the fear will help to dissolve it.
Get Help From Others
Sometimes when my fear feels overwhelming, I choose to get help from others, and there is certainly no shame in that. When I started playing flute in a wind ensemble a few years ago, I had a horrible fear that I wasn’t good enough. I was so afraid of folks finding out how rudimentary my skills were that I wanted to quit to avoid the embarrassment.
A kind member of the ensemble assured me that I didn’t have to play every note. She taught me how to play what I could and not worry about what I couldn’t. She told me that it was OK for my skills to be rudimentary for now.
I decided to stay in the group and have been enjoying my time making instrumental music tremendously for two years now. Without my new friend’s assurances, however, I might never have found my place as an instrumental musician in a band.
Talk It Out With a Friend
When I have a fear that is huge or feels all-encompassing, I often talk about it with a trusted friend. Though I have engaged professionals at times, I’ve found that my friends are quite astute at helping to calm me when I am feeling overwhelmed by fear. Getting someone else’s perspective can be helpful because we usually make the bear much bigger than it actually is.
When I was doing cat rescue, I was asked to handle medical situations for which I had no experience. In one case, I was tasked with giving eye drops to a cat whose eye was swelled shut. For me, that was a scary situation, but one of my rescue friends assured me that I had the skills and kindness to take on the task. She showed me how to put in the drops and gave me one last “You can do it!” before sending me on my way.
The first few times I had to medicate this cat, I envisioned my friend telling me I could do it. I replayed in my mind the way she was able to administer the drops. After I administered the drops a couple of times myself, I no longer felt overwhelmed by what I needed to do. The cat recovered fully and was adopted by a loving family shortly thereafter. That might not have been possible if I had not overcome my fear of treating his eye condition.
Face Your Fear in Small, Manageable Steps
When I’m trying to achieve a goal that feels huge, I try to face my fear(s) in small, manageable steps. When I was learning about public speaking, I didn’t attempt to do everything at once. I handled my most significant fear (stage fright) first, which required me to simply get on the stage without worrying about how effective I was at writing, editing, and delivering a speech.
Later, I honed my speaking skills through a structured approach that I learned in Toastmasters, dealing with each fear as they cropped up along the way. By the time I had completed my ten-year journey in Toastmasters, I could give a speech or answer impromptu questions with minimal or no stage fright (depending on the situation).
Take Action in Spite of the Fear
Sometimes fear requires me to take action, even though I cannot eliminate the fear entirely. I never had much confidence in my abilities when I went on job interviews1, but I knew that I had to keep going on interviews until I found a job that was right for me. I just did my best and kept a smile on my face, even when I was not feeling confident at all.
Over time I learned that my smile and positive attitude were perhaps the most important skills I had in job interviews. No, I didn’t always get the job, but I got plenty of positive comments afterward. In the most stunning case of all, I was once offered a job because I had cancelled an interview.
In that case, I had already scheduled the interview, but after studying the job description, I felt that the job wasn’t right for me. I called the project manager who was slated to do the interview and told him that I didn’t want to waste his time when I was sure I wouldn’t take the job. The project manager was so impressed that I had the courtesy to cancel and to frankly explain why that he wanted to hire me solely on the basis of my professionalism and candor!
What’s the Worst Thing That Could Happen?
Finally, I often challenge my fear by asking questions. “What’s the worst thing that could happen here?” is one that that I often ask myself. If the worst thing did happen, could I survive it? In most cases, I could. It might not be pleasant, but I would be able to survive and, probably, even thrive again.
When I was deciding whether to have children or not, I feared that I might regret my decision to remain childless. As the years passed and my biological clock ticked on, I felt increasingly worried that I’d regret my decision, but I often asked myself what is the worst thing that could happen.
I felt that the worst thing that could happen if I didn’t have children is that I would die alone, without any family at my side. With my childbearing opportunities far behind me, I sometimes think about what it will be like to die without children or grandchildren by my side.
Having studied end-of-life issues, I’m fairly sure that I’ll be fine, even if I have no family with me when I’m on my deathbed. For one thing, I have friends who are like family and I think many of them would be at my side when it’s my time to cross over to the Other Side.
But even if I am completely alone, my connection to God, the Universe, and even to my loved ones who are already on the Other Side has me convinced that I will be fine, even if my transition from this life to the next needs to be accomplished with no one by my side.
How do you handle your fears? Might any of the ways I’ve learned to handle fear work for you? Is there a question or strategy that I’ve mentioned that you might like to try for yourself?
In case you would like a quick list to reference, here are the tips I just listed in bullet form:
Name and describe your fear
Get help from someone who has overcome whatever you are fearing
Talk to a trusted friend about what scares you
Face your fears in small, manageable steps
Take action despite your fear
Ask yourself “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
We all have fears. They are inevitable and come with our human experience. But what is not inevitable is that we will be dominated by our fears. Taking a few, simple steps toward examining and facing our fears will go a long way to making them more manageable.
On this Halloween holiday, try something new amidst the costumes, candy, and carousing. Take some quiet time for yourself and think about the fears that are currently haunting you. Left in the dark recesses of your mind, these fears will continue to plague you, but shining even a tiny light on them will begin to move you from fear to freedom.
I’ve been retired from my corporate job for almost a decade now, but I still remember the fear I felt when going on job interviews! ;)