Everything Must Change
How do you feel about change? Do you welcome it? Do you resist it?
OK, that was kind of a trick question. ;) Most of us welcome some types of change while resisting others. Winning a million dollars would be easy for us to embrace while losing a loved one would be difficult for most people. But even when the changes in our life are positive, sometimes we struggle.
I’ve noticed that in the past few years most of us have experienced a lot more change than we’re used to. The year 2020 began an avalanche of change that, in my view, hasn’t really slowed and might even be gaining steam. Every aspect of our life was potentially affected by how our world changed in 2020.
For me, the most difficult change I experienced (even though it had nothing to do with the goings on in our world) was losing my brother Doug after his long battle with MS. My grief over my brother has been substantial but it hasn’t been the only difficult change I’ve experienced over the past few years. I’ve watched as my loved ones have faced new health challenges. I’ve lost friends over ideological differences. I’ve even lost faith at times that this life on earth means anything more than suffering.
These past few years have led to positive changes for me, as well. I’ve made new friends. I’ve grown closer to my family and old friends. I picked up the flute again and started playing. I rejoined a community choir for the first time in many years.
But even these positive changes come at some cost. We experience changes as generally stressful, even if they are desirable to us. Think about starting a new job or moving to a new city. Even if we love the idea of it, the implementation contains a lot of moments when we feel stressed as we get used to our new situation or routine.
I’ve been contemplating change lately, especially because I’m about to make a relatively big one. After a decade of being immersed in Toastmasters, I’m leaving the program. I’ve been retired since 2015 and since that time, Toastmasters has been my primary source for socializing, networking, and fun.
Saying good-bye to the Toastmasters program isn’t such a big deal to me, but saying good-bye to my friends who are still in the program definitely is. Some days I feel like hanging on even though I know that the organization and program no longer serve me.
How do we deal with emotions that accompany change?
A big part of dealing with the change is facing the emotions that arise and being honest with ourselves about how the change is affecting us. In my case, I have other activities on the horizon, so it won’t take long for me to adjust to my new routine, but I still need to explore my feelings about leaving a community that has been a huge source of connection, growth, and joy for me.
Change can feel overwhelming in the moment, but it helps me to remember that everything must change. In other words, if I view change as an anomaly, I’m more likely to feel stressed by it. When I realize that most changes are simply experiences that are part of being human, I can more easily lean into them. Even further, I remind myself that I’m not the first person to experience change, that many before me have survived it, and that I have survived plenty of change myself in the past.
As I was contemplating change, a beautiful and insightful song by George Benson came to mind: “Everything Must Change”. The lyrics sum up our relationship to change perfectly:
Everything must change,
Nothing stays the same.
Everyone must change
Nothing stays the same.
The young become the old,
Mysteries do unfold.
'Cause that's the way of time
Nothing and no one goes unchanged.
There are not many things
In life you can be sure of.
Except rain comes from the clouds,
And sun lights up the sky,
And humming birds do fly.
Winter turns to spring.
Wounded hearts will heal.
Never much too soon
Everything must change.
The young become the old,
Mysteries do unfold.
'Cause that's the way of time.
Nothing and no one goes unchanged.
There are not many things
In life you can be sure of.
Except rain comes from the clouds,
And sun lights up the sky,
And humming birds do fly.
Mr. Benson’s song reminds me that what I’m experiencing is… well, just normal life. Learning to feel and accept the difficult emotions that come with change is part of the process. If we allow our emotions to be, if we allow ourselves to feel them, and if we allow the flow of them to move us into our next chapter, we will at some point come out the other side with more easy-to-feel emotions.
If you’re experiencing change that brings with it some challenging emotions, you may want those emotions to end as quickly as possible. There’s certainly no need to wallow in negative emotions, but realize that emotions resolve in their own time.
In the meantime, take the Happiness Approach and remember that the emotions you’re feeling mean that you care (or cared) about something enough to have those strong emotions. What is there to be grateful about when dealing with these heavy emotions?
In my own case, I am grateful for what I learned in Toastmasters. I didn’t just learn how to give speeches and lead clubs to success. I became a stronger, more resilient person for having worked through the program.
I had fun giving speeches about whatever I was focused on at the time. I enjoyed the challenge of competition (and loved getting trophies!). Most of all, I am beyond blessed to have met so many kind, talented, and joyful people in Toastmasters. Some of these folks became my dearest friends and one of them even became my boyfriend!1 ;)
If you’re struggling with change right now, remember George Benson’s hauntingly beautiful song and wise words:
Everything must change,
Nothing stays the same.
Everyone must change
Nothing stays the same.
Change is inevitable. Embrace the wisdom that comes with knowing that you’ve survived change before and you will survive this change, as well. In the meantime, don’t forget to find gratitude during this transitional time.
Fortunately, my boyfriend Stephen is one of the things I get to take with me as I leave Toastmasters. :)