Family as a Source of Happiness
Today is a very special day. It’s my brother’s birthday! Even though he and I live 1500 miles apart and can’t see each other as often as we’d like, my brother brings great joy to my life. Just the thought of him makes me smile! :)
As I celebrate my brother today, it’s also an excellent opportunity for me to talk about the importance of our families in our happiness journey.
Family is Wonderful!
Some of you need no coaxing to accept that family is an important part of this journey. Especially if you’ve had a joyful childhood and if your family still has a significant role of your life, you may be reading this and thinking, “Well, duh! Family is wonderful!” If you fall into this camp, today would be a perfect day to add an entry in your gratitude journal about your wonderful family! :)
Even if your relationship with your family is magnificent, there are ways to enhance it intentionally:
Buy small gifts, especially for family members who love receiving them
Send “thinking of you” notes to relatives who live far away
Snail mail birthday cards and letters to loved ones… it’s a lost art!
Call or text just to say “hi”
Read the book “The Five Love Languages” and offer support to your family based on their love language(s)1
What else can you think of to enhance an already strong family relationship? Tell me! (Respond to this newsletter or email tinarenee@substack.com.)
Family is Painful
Unfortunately, not everyone has had a pleasant childhood and not everyone has an ongoing, positive relationship with their family. Even in the best of circumstances, families can be affected by misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and perceived “wrongs.” If this has been your experience, it’s understandable if you don’t swell with gratitude at the thought of your family.
But does a suboptimal experience with your family mean that you’re stuck without this source of joy in your life? Absolutely not! There are many ways to deal with the issue of having a family that doesn’t live up to your expectations or needs.
Make Your Own Family
One of the easiest ways to transcend the difficulties inherent in a problematic family is to distance yourself from the difficult family and create one that feels more positive. You might create a family in any number of ways:
Significant Other. Spend extra time on ensuring that your primary relationship (i.e., spouse, significant other, partner) is one in which you feel safe and happy. Engage the help of a professional if you need to work out any issues that are preventing your chosen family from being the best that it can be.
Children. When you are ready, you may choose to have a child. While I do not recommend having a child solely to create a family, if you are already in a committed relationship and want to expand your family, having or adopting a child could be a positive choice.
Friends. Choose your friends — especially those with whom you spend the most time — wisely. Nurture your friendships the way you would an actual family member whom you love and cherish. Give your friendships time and space to grow and someday your friends might actually feel more like family than your own family.
Pets. Never underestimate the value that a non-human companion can bring to your life. While dogs and cats are the most common choices, if you have other preferences or even restrictions (e.g., apartment regulations) that make a different pet more attractive, explore fish, birds, or other pets that suit your lifestyle.
Yourself. Always remember that you can be your own family! Build a relationship with yourself such that you enjoy spending time with YOU. Buy yourself presents on your birthday. Take yourself to special events. Choose self-care that feeds your soul. If you make a family of yourself, you will always have someone nearby who loves you. :)
Heal Your Hurts
Family difficulties stem from all sorts of issues. The sources of hurt are as varied as the individuals involved. If you feel pain when you engage with your family, or perhaps even when you think about your family, it would be a huge boost to your happiness journey if you address those hurts head on.
By addressing the hurts, I don’t mean telling off family members that you feel have hurt you. Yes, there may be some difficult conversations that need to take place, but don’t rush to offer harsh words. Your family members may indeed have done something that most people would say deserves strong words, but rather than focusing your energy toward them, take a step back first and explore your underlying feelings within the pain.
If you’ve suffered severe trauma, such as abuse or incest, that is a situation that probably requires professional help. I’m not qualified to offer advice on severe trauma except to say that you should seek such help. For the rest of us, we can make strides toward healing simply by setting an intention to face our hurts and to heal from them.
You can ask God (or the Universe or whatever Higher Power in which you believe) to lead you toward healing in a way that is meaningful to you. Be prepared when you ask, because the answers will come! :)
Compassionate Inquiry
Remember earlier when I referred to “perceived” hurts? Actually, most2 hurts are perceived. In other words, it’s not what the other person says or does that hurts us, but in how we perceive their words and actions that hurt us. Though it’s not simple nor easy, when we are able to change our perception of the originating “infraction,” we can move our hurts toward a healing place.
One of the ways in which I’ve changed my perception of hurts, both my own and others, is through a simple but profound statement made by Gabor Mate, the inventor of a therapy called “compassionate inquiry.” Dr. Mate suggested that instead of asking “What’s wrong with you?” we instead ask “What happened to you?”3
With that slight change in perspective, I was able to look at my own hurts without the usual judgement that I placed on myself. There was nothing “wrong” with me. Something happened to me. What a difference! And if I chose what I perceived when the hurt originated, then seeing the hurt from an outside viewpoint allowed me to choose a new way to perceive it — a way that no longer included the hurt.
Using Dr. Mate’s new question, I was also able to look at my family members and wonder with curiosity what happened to them. There was nothing “wrong” with them, either. There was just a perceived hurt that arose out of an event (or events) that happened to them. Even if the event was caused by me, I didn’t necessarily cause the hurt.4
This method of “compassionate inquiry” is but one way to find healing for yourself and for your family. If it’s one that appeals to you, start by watching Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube or read one of his books.
Forgive Your Family
You may believe that the pain you’ve suffered is unresolvable. You may feel that the rift in your family can never be mended. You may even be right about that. But that’s not reason enough not to try.
One of the ways in which I’ve realized that I overestimated my own hurts was in hearing how others have transcended unimaginable pains. One of the most compelling stories I’ve heard on forgiveness was from a fellow Toastmaster, Carol E. Urton. She wrote a book about her journey from trauma to forgiveness: “Where is God? When Hope Hurts”
After hearing Carol’s story of abuse and healing, my own hurts seemed insignificant and I stopped believing that I couldn’t heal them. I’m not saying that my journey was always easy, but I found that when I explored my own hurts, the hardest part was holding space for them. I didn’t want to feel any “negative” emotions so I avoided them. After I was able to face the hurts and explore them, the door to healing was open.
Family is Important to Your Happiness Journey
What role does your family currently hold in your happiness journey? Is your family biological, adopted, or was it created in some other way? Does the thought of your family bring you joy, pain, or something in between? Are you ready to address any hurts in order to incorporate your family more into your happiness journey?
Wherever you are now and whatever you choose to do is OK. Just know that you always have the option to enhance your relationship with your family and/or to create a “family” that brings love, joy, and warmth to your life.
Love languages are not just for couples! Once you know someone’s love language, you know how to focus your efforts to bring them joy. By learning about all five love languages, you will be well-versed in communicating in ways that resonate personally with others.
Some spiritual gurus say that all hurts are perceived hurts. I will not dispute the point because I agree in theory. In practice, there are some hurts that are so severe that it seems cruel to say they are perceived. For our purposes here, I am not talking about those extreme situations.
Dr. Mate may not have been the originator of that idea, but he is the first one whom I heard express it.
I don’t use this as an excuse to hurt anyone or to defend my actions. Even though I know that my actions don’t cause others’ pain, there are times when I may still choose to apologize or make amends for something that I did. It is part of being compassionate and loving when we take responsibility for our actions — even when perhaps we don’t “have” to.