Finding the Courage to Choose a Better Fit

Years ago, I worked with a project manager with whom I had a lot of conflict. I’ll call him Dan¹. At the time, I wasn’t skillful about negotiating solutions to problems and Dan wasn’t happy unless he got exactly what he wanted, so he and I didn’t see eye to eye on much. To me, Dan seemed to have a chip on his shoulder and/or he really wanted to demonstrate how powerful he was in his position.

Whatever the underlying situation was, I found working with him to be quite difficult. I was glad when it came time for me to leave the project. Dan’s and my conflict had taken a toll on me and I was tired. I welcomed my new start that wouldn’t include the stress of working with this man.

It was several years later when Dan ended up on the project at which I was currently working. At that time, I was working for a school and he was teaching a course there. Having remembered our conflict, I felt nauseous. How was I going to be able to work with this guy again?

At first I was able to successfully avoid him, but eventually I was tasked to do a small project for Dan. When the time came to meet him for the first time since our rocky interactions at our previous workplace, I held my breath and hoped that I would be able to survive this time around.

As Dan and I began to talk, I noticed something different about him. He seemed calmer, more confident, and much more willing to listen to my opinion about things. The change in his attitude and behavior caught me off guard a bit and I wondered why he was so different now.

As the weeks turned into months and then years, Dan I worked together without any conflict whatsoever. I even began to enjoy our interactions. I liked doing work for Dan this time around because he was friendly, kind, and appreciative of my work.

One day Dan’s and my conversation took a somewhat personal turn. He admitted that he hadn’t enjoyed being a project manager. In particular, the job at which we previously worked together had been stressful for him because he knew he was not well-suited to the job; but, at the time, he didn’t know how to make the much-needed change in his career.

As luck would have it, a friend noticed that Dan was good at explaining concepts in a way that was both engaging and instructive. When his friend learned that there was an opening for an instructor at the school where I then worked, he encouraged Dan to apply. To his surprise, Dan got the job and that is how we ended up working together again.

It turned out that Dan’s inability to get along with me (and others, too) was not just his attitude or ego or unwillingness to cooperate. Dan was simply in the wrong job and the significant stress he felt caused him to become combative whenever his ideas were challenged. What I interpreted as “power hungry” behavior was actually Dan putting up a wall to hide the difficult feelings that plagued him.

In contrast, Dan excelled at his teaching job. His students learned the material quickly and they enjoyed the way he injected humor into his lectures. Dan got high marks on his performance reviews. He admitted to me that he loved his job so much that he hoped he could remain in that job for the rest of his career (which was about two decades more).

I left the project before Dan did, but the last time I saw Dan, he was still glowing about his job. His coworkers liked him, his students flourished, and his bosses were more than happy to have Dan stay in his job for as long as he was willing.

Dan’s story taught me a valuable lesson about being in the right place at the right time. When Dan wasn’t in a career that suited him, the stress and dissatisfaction that he felt caused him to lash out, even when it was not warranted. But when Dan found the career that fit him, he became a new person — one that people wanted to be around and interact with.

This lesson, of course, could easily be applied to a career. Find a job you love doing and you’ll never work a day in your life, as the old saying goes. But the lesson need not be restricted to only our careers. There are many other places in life that may not be the best fit for us.

Maybe you don’t fit in the city where you live. Maybe you’ve outgrown some of your friends. Maybe the hobby you once enjoyed doesn’t feel fun anymore.

Whatever the thing is, if we are certain that it is not a good fit for us, we would be well-served to consider how we might make a change to something that suits us better.

Is there something in your life that doesn’t “fit” you? What action could you take today to begin finding a situation that fits you better?

Taking a leap of faith into new place, endeavor, or life situation can be challenging. I imagine that Dan faced a different kind of stress when he decided to leave his career as a project manager to pursue his dream of being a teacher. For Dan, however, that the stress was short-lived and he soon found himself challenged in a way that now brought him joy.

If you’re in a unsuitable situation of your own, remind yourself that it’s unlikely to be a better fit as time passes. Find the courage to make the change you know needs to happen. Hang in there when the short term fear and stress kicks in. Eventually, you’ll be glad you made the change and, like Dan’s coworkers, others around you might be glad you made the change, too! ;)

1. Dan’s name and some details were changed to preserve his privacy.