Getting Unstuck From Unhelpful Beliefs
Recently I had a conversation with my boyfriend Stephen about why I don’t practice my flutes as often as I would like to. Even though I’ve improved a great deal in this area after my experiment with guilt in 2023, I still have times when I struggle to “allow” myself to practice and enjoy it.
Stephen was perplexed as to why I wouldn’t allow myself to do something that brought me so much joy — especially now that I have much more free time than I did when I was working a corporate job. As I stumbled over my thoughts and words, eventually the sentence that held the root of my issue came tumbling out:
“It’s too much fun and I feel guilty about it.”
My explanation didn’t fix Stephen’s confusion. Why would someone have difficulty having too much fun?
I suspect that this issue has its roots in my childhood, as does many of the issues that inexplicably prevent us from doing what we want to do even when there is nothing “out there” preventing it.
After much thought, I realized that, when I was quite young, I decided that having too much fun was dangerous. The belief that sticks in my head, even to this day, is “If I have too much fun, I’m going to get in trouble for it.”
Reading that, you might think I’m totally nuts, but I suspect that you have your own version of a belief that would sound crazy to others. And yet, even though these beliefs sound ridiculous to us as adults, they are rooted in very real experiences and they do make sense once you’ve ferreted out the reasons for them.
In my case, my parents imposed a lot of rules on my brother and me because my father was a minister. We had to look and act like good, little Christians from a young age because we could tarnish my father’s good reputation with a single misdeed. It was a heavy weight to put on little kids who didn’t really understand what all of this Big People Stuff was about.
Before so many rules were enforced, I was a joyful, active little girl who loved life. Most kids are like that. But as I began learning the Big People Rules, I became fearful and tentative. I stopped listening to my own heart and started trying to please the Big People in my life.
Learning about the world is confusing and as kids with limited understanding, we often make incorrect assumptions and judgements. These small errors lead us to create beliefs that ultimately don’t serve us because we forget how or why we developed them in the first place.
Lest we be too hard on ourselves for even developing these misguided beliefs, I should point out that these beliefs helped us to navigate our childhood world. Whatever we chose to believe, it served us when we were children. For some of us, it might have literally saved our lives. The problem only comes when we continue to use these beliefs as adults, when we no longer need them.
When I was creating my own beliefs as a child, I could easily understand some of my parents’ rules, like “Be quiet in church.” Others, however, were more confusing, like why I got in trouble for saying the word “dam” after repeating what I’d heard someone say on TV.1
After what seemed to me to be an endless string of confusing rules (chewing gum got me in as much trouble as did saying “damn”), I gave up trying to make sense of it all. I decided that the best way to stay out of trouble was to not do anything that could even remotely be construed as fun in order to avoid the danger that I’d equated with “fun.”
Since chewing gum, dancing, and wearing jewelry were all forbidden in my home — but all of these activities were also fun for me — I guessed (incorrectly) that anything that appears to be fun must also be forbidden. It was quite logical to my five-year-old mind.
Once I solved this problem, life was simple. I avoided anything that was fun or seemed like it might be fun, especially if I thought my parents might find out about it.
As an adult, I know that my assumptions and conclusions about having fun were horribly wrong. I know that having fun is necessary, not forbidden. I’ve even taken the time to re-evaluate what my parents disapproved of and decided what I will now “allow” myself to do (or not).
Despite all of that mental work, however, there is still a tiny root of fear that begins to grow that weed of doubt when I engage in something “too fun.” I know that, if I truly want to be happy, I need to get past this unhelpful belief. But how?
After decades of trying this and that, I’ve found what works for me. Perhaps it will work for you, as well, if you give it an honest try:
Meditate, journal, or simply ponder a situation where you’ve been trying to get a result and feel you are being thwarted in some way. At first you may believe the problem is “out there,” but that’s fine. Allow that to be as it is for now.
Try to articulate as clearly as possible what you want to achieve instead. Let’s call this your “Thing.” In my case, I might have written something like “I want to be able to practice music without feeling guilt” or “I want to practice my flute every day” or “I want to feel positive about my music-making experiences.”
Now go do the Thing. Make time for it. If you have a belief that’s blocking you, there will never be time for this activity, dream, or goal, so you will have to push past using time as an excuse.
When you begin doing the Thing, notice what difficult feelings pop up. Try to identify the feeling(s). Stop doing the Thing in the moment and free-write about how you feel. Write whatever comes to mind, even if it seems irrelevant or even a bit insane. No one else needs to read it and you can destroy your writing later, if you wish.
Take time to read and consider what you wrote. Did you learn anything surprising? Do you have more thoughts after reading your initial thoughts? Write those down, as well. Analyze what you’ve written to see if you can gain insights into how or why you chose that particular belief (or set of beliefs) in the first place.
Either on the same day or another day, do the Thing again. Do you still experience the same feelings you did previously? Did anything shift for you? Can you identify even a small shift in how you feel now as compared to before?
Rest when you need to, but return to your Thing often.
Repeat the process of writing, analyzing, and re-working your belief until the belief no longer prevents you from doing the Thing.
Warning: This process is simple but not easy. You will likely want to give up at some point and continue to live with your belief such as it is. Take a break if you need to, but don’t give up. If you truly want to live a life that is happy, you have to do the work.2
I’m pleased to report that after doing this process myself, I am finding more and more freedom from my limiting belief about music-making being “dangerous.” In fact, I sometimes imagine my parents looking down on me from heaven and being quite proud that I’ve overcome my limited, unhelpful belief. :)
What I didn’t realize at the time was the word that I’d actually repeated was “damn” not “dam.” ;)
Do I sound like a broken record yet? Yes, DO THE WORK.