Happy(?) Mother's Day
What does Mother’s Day mean to you?
Before my mom died, I loved Mother’s Day. I don’t know how it started, but I acquired a tradition of giving my mom an orchid corsage to wear at church on Mother’s Day. I was proud of my mom and I wanted the world to know it. I hoped that when people saw her corsage they would think, “Wow, someone really loves her!”
I had too few years with my mom because she died when I was only 30 years old. During the last few years of her life, I lived six hours away and didn’t make the effort to bring her that yearly Mother’s Day corsage anymore. Had I known that I only had a few more years left with my mom, I would have made the yearly trip on Mother’s Day no matter what. Sadly, my mom didn’t get nearly enough of those corsages from me during her lifetime.
As the years went by without my mom, I began to view Mother’s Day as incredibly annoying. Not only did I miss my own mom, but, too often, the holiday fell close to — or even on — my birthday. The day that was supposed to be “my” day got overshadowed by everyone celebrating their mothers instead of me.1 Most of my frustration was simply grief over the loss of my mom, but as we tend to do, I made up all sorts of reasons to be upset that hid my true feelings of grief and sadness.
As I learned to deal with my grief, my feelings about Mother’s Day softened and over time, I became more optimistic about the holiday. Instead of mourning the loss of my mom every year, I began celebrating a few women whom I had adopted as my moms in the years and decades following my mother’s death.
Among the women who were like moms to me were my mom’s sisters. They are like my mom in many ways and with that familiarity, they hold a special place in my heart. I remarried several years after my mother’s death and through that marriage I acquired my next “mom,” whom I call Mom D’Souza or Mom D for short. A few years after my divorce, I started dating the man whose mother would become my next mom, as well. Her somewhat predictable moniker is Mom H (as H is the first letter of her last name).
These women have, to some degree, been able to fill the hole that I sometimes feel in my heart with my mom’s physical absence. No one can take the place of my Mom, but I discovered that my grief in her loss is just my love, being frustrated because the target of that love is no longer present physically. As an alternative, I discovered that that my love-with-no-place-to-go could be redirected toward someone else.
Because I have a lot of love for my mom that I want to redirect, the list of women that I now celebrate on Mother’s Day is lengthy! :)
In contrast to being upset, I believe that my mom would be very proud to know that I have been able to channel the love I have for her toward others. Although she never got to meet Mom D or Mom H, I know she would have loved them both. My mom would be especially happy to know that her sisters hold such a prominent place in my heart.
The love I have for the many moms in my life has changed my perspective on Mother’s Day. Of course I still miss my mom, but I have chosen to not take too much time to be sad about that because I have these other women to celebrate! If I spend the rest of my life in grief, I’ll miss the joy that my other moms bring to my life.
What is your current feeling about the Mother’s Day holiday? Do you love it? Hate it? Dread it?
If your mother is still alive and you have at least a somewhat pleasant relationship with her, I urge you to make a point to celebrate her this year. You won’t always have the opportunity to do so. Make the effort, even if it feels like too much effort right now.
If you don’t have a pleasant relationship with your mom, you might not want to celebrate her and, believe it or not, that’s OK. You do not need to do anything that feels too heavy or perhaps that might even make the situation worse. We don’t talk about it much, but not all moms are great moms. If yours happens to be difficult, you don’t have to celebrate her. But if you have someone else in your life who is like a mom to you, embrace that woman and enjoy the love that exists between you.
If you’ve already lost your mom to heaven, Mother’s Day might be difficult for you. If the loss has been recent, Mother’s Day might be very, very difficult indeed. But if many years or even decades have passed, perhaps you’d like to try redirecting your love toward someone else whom you can at least think of as “mom” — even if you don’t call her that.
Last, but not least, it might not be that you are choosing someone besides your mom to celebrate this Mother’s Day, but rather you might be the mom that someone else chooses to celebrate. If you find that to be the case, relish the love and let it seep into you, filling you with gratitude for your “daughter” or “son.”
We sometimes get so wrapped up in thinking that only our blood relatives can be family that we don’t see the folks around us who are just as much our family as any blood relative. The best part about non-blood family is that you get to choose who fits into that category! :)
With all of my immediate family members now residing in heaven (mom, dad, brother), it does get a bit lonely down here on earth sometimes. But I’m so grateful that I learned how to make family out of all of the people I love, whether they are technically related to me or not. The silver lining of my mom’s death is that if she were still alive, I would likely not have realized that I have so many beautiful women to celebrate on Mother’s Day besides her.
Who do you currently think of as “mom” in your life and why? Might you also expand your idea of what a mother is and learn to celebrate other women besides just your mother on Mother’s Day?
Wherever you are on your journey and however you currently feel about Mother’s Day, take time this year to view the holiday in a new light. Whatever emotions arise, listen to what they are telling you and honor them. No matter how you feel this year, there is always space for expanded love and for celebrating all of the special women in our lives.
From last week’s post, you might recall that I didn’t know how to celebrate myself and that was part of what made it annoying to me when others did the “wrong” thing on my birthday.