How Your Friends Make You Happier (or Not!)
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn used to say “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” As a businessman, Mr. Rohn encouraged his audience to think critically about who they hang out with. Our success in business endeavors depends on it, according to his hard-earned wisdom.
I have often thought about this quote from a business and career perspective, but rarely from a happiness perspective. When I started thinking about it, I realized that if I want to be happier, I need to spend the most time with happy people.
I’m not talking about people who are bubbly all the time or who like to throw around happiness platitudes. When I say “happy” people, I’m referring to folks who have a knack for seeing the good in others and in the world. They gravitate toward positivity and gratitude, but they face their “negative” emotions and work through life’s difficulties with grace and persistence.
Have you ever thought about the people you hang out with from a happiness perspective?
If not, that’s what Primrose Ponderings is here for! :) Let’s do this exercise together and see what we can learn.
Assessing Your Top Five
Before you begin thinking about your friends, you need to assess your own happiness. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “I am miserable most of the time” and 10 being “I feel happy about my life most of the time,” what number would you give yourself?1
Now, make a list of the five people you spend the most time with. (I’ll refer to these as your Top Five.) Be honest. I’m not going to demand that you to eliminate any of them from your life, no matter how unhappy they are. ;)
For each person you chose, make some assessments of them. How focused are they on making their own lives happier? Are they aware of how to make their lives happier? Do they even care?
Next, consider your interactions with these folks. What do you talk about when you’re with them? How do you feel after you’ve spent time with them? If you brought up your own focus on happiness and well-being, would they be supportive or dismissive of the idea?
Finally, from a happiness and well-being perspective, do you respect these folks? Do you admire them? Do you want to be more like them (you don’t have to want to be exactly like them, of course, even with regard to happiness)? If you “accidentally” turned out to be as happy as they are, would you be better or worse off than you are now?
To complete your analysis, give each friend/family member on your list a happiness rating. On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the happiest), where do your five friends/family fall on the scale? Take the average of those five numbers. Is it higher or lower than the number you gave yourself?
If the average of your friends is higher, then good for you! Assuming your assessment is correct, your friends will help you become happier. Perhaps your own happiness number is similar to the average of your friends. In that case, there should be times when they help you and others when you equally help them to be happier.
But what if you find that your number is higher than the average of your friends? If it’s a small amount, that’s not something to worry about too much. If, however, there’s a large gap between the two, this is something you definitely need to be concerned about.
If you have a friend with very different interests, outlook on life, and such, one of you is going to influence the other. Ideally, you’ll both influence each other to be happier, healthier, and wiser, but the reality is that if you get involved with the “wrong” (in our case, unhappy) crowd, you’ll end up with the same problems that they have. (Your mother was right when she didn’t want you hanging around with the “wrong” crowd!)
The “wrong” crowd in terms of your happiness journey are folks who are 1) unhappy most of the time, 2) aren’t working to become happier, and/or 3) don’t support your efforts to become happier.
For some of you, this might be difficult to hear. What if, for example, your spouse is unhappy all the time? What if your family doesn’t support your happiness efforts? What if your best friend enjoys playing the victim and complaining a lot?
Do you need to dump your friends and family in order to be happier?
The answer is both no and yes. It’s possible to be happy even when everyone around you is miserable, but it will be much, much more difficult to do so. The real question is how much work are you willing to do to be happy if those Top Five are unwilling to do the work for themselves?
For most of us, it will be infinitely easier to be happy if we hang out with happy people, so even if you find that the person you love most in the world isn’t supporting your happiness journey, you need to find a way to minimize their suboptimal influence over your Happiness Journey.
If you don’t currently have a network of folks who are focusing on happiness, don’t despair. Over time, you can adjust whom you hang out with to maximize happiness. In the meantime, be consistent with the happiness tips you’ve learned here at Primrose Ponderings (and elsewhere).
You may need to refocus or double down on your Gratitude Practice. You may need to reread encouraging works that have already helped you on your journey. You may even need to spend more time in prayer and/or meditation and in setting a stronger intention to focus on happiness.
Ultimately, keep your sights on spending the most time with folks who are working toward being happier and healthier.2
Jim Rohn was quite successful in the business world and his net worth was estimated to be around $500 million at the time of his death. If Mr. Rohn’s wisdom helps us to attain our goal of happiness (of which money may or may not be a part), would you want to have 500 million units of happiness? Imagine “spending” that much happiness on yourself and on those you love!
Make the conscious decision to hang out with people who are traveling on their own Happiness Journey. We’ll all get much further on our journeys if we are focused on traveling the Happiness Road together.
If you’re not into “rating” yourself and your friends with a number, just think in general terms. You can use words instead of numbers if that works for you. In this particular case, the most important aspect of the exercise is that you find a way to assess your situation accurately.
When I mention “healthier” in this context, I don’t mean just physically. Your physical, mental, and emotional health all play a part in your overall happiness.