Taking Off Our Masks
In a few days, kids all over the U.S.1 will be dressing up in costumes and yelling “Trick or Treat!” at their neighbors’ doors. Some adults get into the spirit by dressing up, as well — with or without little ones in tow.2
While some costumes don’t require us to put on a mask, when we want to disguise our identity, a mask becomes a priority. Have you ever put on a Halloween mask with a costume? What happens? Did you automatically want to act like the character whom you were dressed as?
Masks are powerful because they allow us to hide our true identity. This is the case whether we’re masking up for Halloween or putting on a social mask — a facade, if you will — in order to hide something about ourselves.
The social masks that we wear have definite purposes, some of which keep our society from descending into chaos. When we’re angry at someone, for example, we don’t always say so. If a stranger takes “our” parking spot in a full lot, it is usually safer to avoid eye contact with the driver or put on a fake smile and keep going. We mask our true feelings (“Hey, that was MY parking spot, you jerk!”) in order to keep the peace.
Some of us get so adept at masking up that, over time, we lose the ability to even sense our own feelings. If we shut down our emotions time and time again, our mind will learn that the “right” way to deal with life is to hide behind the mask we’re currently wearing3 rather than being true to the feelings we’re experiencing.
Given that it is prudent to sometimes act socially differently from the way we feel, how do we stay true to ourselves while wearing these social masks?
Most importantly, awareness is key. We can maintain the facade in low-stake situations (like losing a plum parking spot) while still observing our feelings about the event: “Wow, that really made me angry! That guy knew I wanted that parking spot! What an #*%@!”
We can notice the intense feelings and then let them go. Perhaps your next feeling might be more logical: “Hey, parking spaces belong to everyone. I had no more right to that spot than he did. And bonus… I got more exercise by parking further away!”
In more high-stake situations, like those that occur with our families and close friends, deciding whether to wear a mask or not is more difficult. We may do so for the same reasons we do in other social situations — to keep the peace — but we can’t always wear masks with those whom we truly love.
How can we put down our masks when it really matters?
The first step is in realizing when we’ve stumbled upon a situation that could be helped by us lowering our mask. There are questions that might help us identify when this is the case:
Is this an emotion that recurs often for me with this person?
Is this emotion triggered by something specific that my loved one could help me with?
Is this something that could potentially put a wedge between me and my loved one if I fail to discuss it?
Might this situation provide an opportunity to increase our intimacy if I open up?
You might have other questions that will help you decide if and when to put down your mask for a time.
We should neither wear social masks all the time nor put them down in every situation that causes a strong emotional response. And, unfortunately, there are no “right” and “wrong” answers when deciding what to do. What is critical, however, is to notice our patterns. Do we wear masks too often or perhaps not often enough?
Your happiness exercise for this week is to simply notice your own pattern:
When do you feel yourself wearing a social mask?
Does a particular mask feel comfortable for you? Why or why not?
Do you sense yourself gravitating too much toward wearing a mask or toward being brutally honest, even when it causes stress in your relationships?
Masks can be a lot of fun at Halloween, but in real life, masks are complicated. We don’t often get candy for revealing our true identity. Taking off our social masks can be uncomfortable and even dangerous at times. Knowing when it is safe to reveal ourselves is matter of trial and error.
Our goal, however, should be to bring our maskless, authentic selves more and more to the forefront. With age comes wisdom and other skills that allow us to communicate more empathetically with those we care about. Taking off our masks requires vulnerability, which is why it is so difficult for most of us.
This Halloween, when you see kids playfully yelling “Trick or Treat!” watch as they later reveal themselves by taking off their masks. Most kids will smile, laugh, or otherwise indicate their delight at having “fooled” the adults. But if you look closer, you’ll see that their greater joy is in being seen for who they truly are, rather than for the mask they chose to wear for a time.
We all need to wear masks at times, but our true joy also comes when we reveal ourselves and those we love accept us just as we are. Who knows… you might even get a treat for revealing your true self. :)
Do other countries celebrate Halloween? Sadly, I’m uneducated about whether they do or not.
This year those opportunities will arise for me at a Toastmasters meeting and at choir rehearsal. What costume should I wear?!?
Our masks change depending on who we’re with and what’s at stake.