Why Aren't You Happy?

Do you ever wonder why you aren’t happier than you are? Have you ever thought (as I used to) “On paper, my life seems great. Why don’t I feel happy most of the time?” Or maybe during the dark times of life you wondered if you’d ever be happy again. Maybe you “work” at being happier, but can’t understand why your efforts don’t seem pay off — or, at least, not for long.

In other words, you may find yourself wondering, as I used to…

Why am I not happy?

Almost a decade ago now, I was asking myself that question more and more often. I had what seemed like a great life and I knew that there were lots of folks who would have traded places with me in a heartbeat if they could. I had spent many years trying to construct a life that would make me happy, but I was distressed to find that I was feeling stuck in this quest to bring more happiness into my life.

I had just retired from my corporate job, so I had some extra time on my hands in which I could ponder this question deeply. Quite coincidentally, I was taking advantage of Coursera, which had a plethora of interesting courses, all of which were free at the time.

I stumbled on a course called “A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment.” I didn’t have anything to lose, I assumed, so I took the course. To my amazement, the professor, Dr. Raj, answered my question almost immediately.

Why wasn’t I happy?

Because you don’t prioritize happiness!

I didn’t quite understand what that statement meant. After all, I’d worked hard in my career, I’d invested wisely, and I’d made choices which allowed me spend time on hobbies and travel. I had an attractive, smart, and kind spouse. I had two cats who were like children to me. I’d surrounded myself with things and beings whom I loved. Where was my unhappiness stemming from?

Again, Dr. Raj had the answer:

You prioritize things that you think will make you happy, not on the things that will actually make you happy.

Huh??? But I love all of these things and beings. How could I not be prioritizing the right stuff?

It turns out that happiness is not about what we own, where we live, or even whom we love. Happiness is about having a mindset that maximizes happiness. Our brains are biologically wired to detect danger rather than joy¹ so even when we have constructed a life that has all the elements that could bring us happiness, that life actually won’t bring us happiness until we learn how to identify and revel in our many blessings.

Throughout the rest of the course, Dr. Raj continued by pointing out specific ways in which I could prioritize and maximize my happiness. I “graduated” from the course realizing how much work I had ahead of me if I truly wanted to be happier than I currently was.

It was a great joy to meet Dr. Raj in October 2017 :)

My subsequent journey, while daunting at times, became a sort of labor of love itself. I continued my happiness education by reading books about positive psychology and by putting into practice all that I was learning. I didn’t succeed at my goal every day (I still don’t!), but, over time, I found my happiness increased and stuck around more often.

Eventually, I came to realize that Dr. Raj was correct and that I was simply prioritizing the wrong stuff. This isn’t a concept that most of us learn, unfortunately. When we begin to prioritize happiness itself, that is the point at which we can begin to make progress in our journey.

What are your thoughts after hearing this distinction about happiness? Do you understand the difference between prioritizing happiness rather than prioritizing that which we think will make us happy?

If the difference is confusing or alludes you altogether, I’d suggest either taking Dr. Raj’s course or reading his book, which closely follows the course materials. The book is entitled “If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?” Dr. Raj — who also goes by the name Dr. Happy Smarts — has a website where you can explore the book, his course, and his other projects.

It may seem counterintuitive that we have to work at being happy, but it makes sense when you realize that our brains are wired for unhappiness. It’s a given that if you’re focusing on what your brain naturally wants to do, you’ll be searching for the tiger in the bushes all day long while missing the beautiful berries that abound in our daily lives.

Do you want to be happier than you currently are? If so, take action TODAY to prioritize your own happiness. I am certain that you won’t regret it. ;)

1. Because if our ancestors missed seeing the tiger in the bushes, they wouldn’t live long enough to focus on anything else, let alone on something as irrelevant to short-term survival as focusing on happiness. Dr. Rick Hanson writes and speaks about our brain’s tendency toward negativity.