Writing a Letter for a Quick Happiness Win
The first time I really buckled down to learn how to be happier, I took an entire course1 about the subject. We had homework and everything! One of the assignments we received as a class was to write a letter to someone, thanking them for something they did for us.
I chose my cousin Bonnie because, at the time, both of our lives had become so busy with family, work, and hobbies that we didn’t talk as often as I would have preferred. I wanted her to know how much I loved her and how important she was to me.
But I couldn’t think of anything to say… at first. I spent some time in quiet reflection and was surprised to find that I had quite a long list of things I wanted to tell Bonnie. In narrowing down what to write, I focused primarily on events that occurred when we spent the most time together: as kids and teenagers.
Bonnie and I lived several hours apart when we were kids and one of my favorite memories was spending a few weeks in the summer at her house. She taught me to swim, she graciously shared her home and time with me, and once she even saved me from drowning.
I mentioned these tidbits2 to her and thanked her. There was nothing earth shattering about what I wrote. But I got past my initial trepidation, completed the assignment, and I’m so glad that I did!
When I wrote the letter, I felt a bit silly. “I’m sure she already knows how much I appreciate her,” was my thought. I felt that it was not a serious exercise since she must already know how much I appreciate what she did for me.
She responded with such a warm note that I was shocked to read it. She did not realize how much her kindness had meant to me and I suspect that she didn’t realize that I’d kept some of these memories so high on my heart that I could retrieve them any time I wanted to feel gratitude toward her. (In hindsight, I must admit that even I didn’t realize how deeply felt some of these memories were until I explored them.)
Beyond thinking that Bonnie already knew what I had to say, I also felt awkward because I was new to this whole gratitude thing. I was worried about what she might think or say. I was worried that she might think I was being inauthentic or too sappy sweet. But, mostly, I was worried about putting my true feelings out there for her to see.
Our minds play funny (and not useful) games when we first attempt to step out and express our gratitude to someone. Looking back now, it seems weird to think that I could possibly be embarrassed by sharing gratitude from my heart. Even without Bonnie’s favorable response, in doing the exercise, I would have relived my precious memories and the gratitude I felt would enhance my joy at remembering them. But I didn’t know that until after I worked through the exercise.
After our exchange, my love for Bonnie grew even deeper. I didn’t expect that, either. The assignment was so simple and what I wrote felt mundane. It didn’t take much effort (aside from my emotional resistance) to complete the exercise, but I received quite a payoff for my efforts. In fact, the effects of it extend even to today.
If you would have told me then that I’d write publicly about my experience with that letter, I would have said that I would never do such a thing. And, yet, here I am, telling you about it. And without any fear about what you might think of me for doing so.
Having experienced the power of gratitude, I don’t back down from telling others about its power. If you’ve never written a Gratitude Letter yourself, it’s time to do so. (If you’ve already completed this exercise, write another letter. It’s OK to write as many Gratitude Letters as you wish!)
Are you ready? Let’s begin!
Here are the “rules”:
Choose a person who has affected you in a positive way. It could be a friend, family member, or even a former coach, teacher, or mentor. Ideally, choose someone who is still alive, but if you feel strongly about it, go ahead and choose someone who has passed on.
Brainstorm and write down as many ways as you can think of that this person has had a positive effect on you. Choose 1-3 of the ideas that you came up with. Ideally, you want your letter to be at least three paragraphs, but no longer than a page.
Keep your thoughts positive. Avoid anything that might be misconstrued as negative, even if you mean it in a positive way. Have someone else read the letter for feedback if you need help deciding what should or should not be included.
Send the letter to the recipient. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can read the letter to the person instead and then give it to them. If you’ve chosen someone who has passed on, send or read the letter to a loved one who knew the person well.
For those who have been reading Primrose Ponderings for awhile and have a solid gratitude practice already, do this exercise in addition to your regular gratitude practice(s). It’s quite possible (I think likely) that you will want to write about this person in your Gratitude Journal or put his or her name on your Gratitude Calendar for that day. If so, that’s great! Just don’t forget to complete your regular practice because you are feeling so happy after completing your letter. ;)
You may find that you need days, weeks, or even months to complete this exercise. That’s OK. Take as long as you need. But I recommend starting the exercise as soon as you have a few minutes. Jot down any thoughts that immediately come to mind. Keep the notes handy so you can add to it later.
One question that perfectionists like myself may have is whether you should write the letter by hand or type it up so it’s neater and/or so you can write in a more organized fashion. While receiving a handwritten letter is very nice, especially in these days when letters are so uncommon, for the purposes of this exercise, it doesn’t matter. Just get the letter done in whatever way works for you.
One final note about the logistics of this exercise: I recommend keeping a copy of the letter you write for your own records. I was delighted to find that I had saved a copy of my letter. When I reread it today, more than eight years later, it sparked another wave of gratitude for Bonnie and her kindness to me.
The best part about completing this exercise, in my opinion, is that after you’ve jumped over the emotional hurdles needed to finish it, you will have another tool in your Happiness Toolbox that you can use again and again. :)
The course I took is now in a book format : “If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?“
There were more details which I’m not sharing here because they are personal, but you get the idea.