You Don't Have to Make Sense of Everything
I’ve always prided myself as being a logical thinker. I make decisions based on facts, not feelings. I studied math in college because, in contrast to the messiness of subjects like writing, a math problem always has an answer. I may not know the answer (yet!), but when I find it, no one can argue that I’m wrong.
Logic can be comforting. Knowing there’s an answer — and, even better, knowing that I can find it! — makes life easier when challenges arise. I’ve used this concept to help me find jobs, to decide where to live, whom to marry, and to solve a myriad of life’s problems.
Approaching life from a logical state of mind always worked wonderfully for me… until it didn’t.
When I was in my late 20’s, my husband came home and blindsided me with the news that “we’re not happy.” Well, I didn’t know that we weren’t happy and it was nice of him to clue me in, but it turns out that he’d already decided that “we’re not happy” meant that he was leaving our marriage.
For several reasons, my husband’s leaving was the most difficult time of my life up to that point. (Further, I’ve not experienced anything as devastating since.) I truly thought my life was over when my husband left and there were a few moments when I realized that I could end the emotional pain if I simply drove off the Woodrow Wilson bridge on my way to work.
Obviously, I didn’t drive off a bridge and I got through that difficult time somehow. Sting helped a lot. I used to play “The Soul Cages” on repeat for hours on end. No, it wasn’t logical, but the music helped. Somehow.
It took many years but eventually I came to a place of peace about my divorce.1 But my logical mind was not as much help as I would have hoped.
I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of my divorce. What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? What could I have done differently? Every question led me to frustration. The questions led to answers that weren’t obvious or were frustratingly non-existent.
Eventually, I got to a place where I no longer needed to make sense of my divorce. It happened. I survived. Now it’s just a fact in the story of my life, devoid of most of its associated emotional context.
I’m 57 years old now and have been through many other crises that also didn’t lend themselves to logical conclusions. Death, disease, and divorce are three biggies that have stymied my logical attempts to make sense of them. But my nearly six decades of living have taught me something surprising — and hopeful:
I don’t have to make sense of everything in my life to be happy.
Sometimes, stuff just happens. It doesn’t need a reason. And much as my logical mind hates this fact, I do not need to understand everything in order to be happy.
Each crisis will require its own journey and some of them are very difficult indeed. But needing to make sense of every detail can lead us to endless rumination that doesn’t “fix” anything.
If we can release, even just a little, our need to understand, we can begin to get about the business of living again. We might even find a sentence or two that helps us to release our all-encompassing need-to-know:
“I trust that everything is going to work out well.”
“I’m going to learn something amazing from this.”
“I’m curious about how this event might cause me to be a better/smarter/happier person.”
Ironically for me now, writing has become a way for me to explore and express the events and feelings of my life, especially the really messy ones that resist logic. I’m still a logical thinker in many circumstances, but when it comes to getting through a crisis, I’ve learned to spend more time observing and less time analyzing.
We predominantly logical thinkers are probably always going to want to try to make sense of things and sometimes that skill does come in handy. But letting go of the need to make sense of everything can be a powerful tool in our Happiness Toolbox.
When I say “divorce” here, I mean my first divorce. I don’t have a great track record at staying married… but maybe the third time will be a charm! ;)