Notice Someone Being Kind? Tell them!
When I left my final corporate job, it was a huge move for me. I was leaving the only industry that I had known during my 26 year-long career. Since I was moving to Austin, Texas, I was not only leaving my job behind, but I was also leaving my work community in the Washington, D.C. area. I didn’t know what lay ahead for me, but I knew that it would be quite different.
As I said my final good-byes in Virginia, I was shocked to hear a theme repeated by many of my coworkers who probably realized that they would never see me again: “I will miss your smile and your cheerful attitude.”
I was surprised by this because, quite frankly, I was often a mean person at the time. My officemate1 took the brunt of my anger, but my other coworkers were exposed to my endless complaining which I couldn’t seem to stop. And yet, despite all of that, there were those to whom I apparently was kind and friendly at times and I didn’t even realize it.
What has struck me in the decade since then is how my coworkers waited until they knew they wouldn’t see me again to tell me the positive impact I’d had on them. Why did they wait so long? Did they assume I already knew? (I definitely didn’t!)
I knew the negative impacts I was having on people — or, at least, on my officemate — but I struggled to be a kinder person overall. The negative energy I pushed out to my coworkers due to my own frustration was punctuated by moments of kindness, I now know, but at the time I didn’t realize that anyone was noticing the happier moments.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I’d been able to see myself through the lens of those kind souls who told me how my smile or a friendly “hello” had made their day better.
Would I have smiled more? Would I have been friendlier or more helpful? Would I have gravitated toward my pleasant emotions rather than allowing my “negative” emotions to control my everyday actions?
I can’t say for sure, but one thing I believe is that I would have wanted to stick around at that job longer if I had only realized the positive impact that I was having on others. When my coworkers (some of whom I barely knew) expressed how I’d improved their mood, I became sad that I would soon be leaving and would never have the opportunity to brighten their day again. But the deal was done by that point, and I was committed to my new life in Austin.
As I sit here now with so much more wisdom than I had back then, I wonder whether there is a lesson in this story:
WHAT IF instead of telling people when they are upsetting me, I tell them when they are adding to my happiness? How would that change the dynamic that I have with people? How would it change them? Most importantly, how would it change me?
We spend so much time focusing on all the “bad” things that others do to us. We yell at our families, we yell at our friends, and we’re becoming increasingly empowered to tell anyone and everyone when they “offend” us.
This endless stream of negativity stirs the already huge pot of anger, hatred, and frustration in our world. If we focus on it, we stir up the anger within ourselves. Perhaps most scary of all, though, if we persist in focusing on what others are doing “to” us, we cause them to have ill feelings toward us in return.
I’m grateful to my coworkers who took that simple, yet courageous, step and told me of the positive impacts I had on them. I’ve lost contact with most of them, so I can’t tell them how grateful I am to them for their kind words. But beyond being grateful, I learned two very valuable lessons:
When someone has a positive impact on your life, TELL THEM.
Tell them NOW, so they have an opportunity to repeat that positive behavior again.
I am still sad sometimes that I cannot offer my former coworkers another smile or helpful gesture. I now realize that there was so much more that I could have done for them if I had only known that they were positively impacted. I don’t blame them for not telling me. After all, that was not their job. But I do WISH I would have known which of my behaviors brought positivity to their day so I could have given them more of it.
While I am much better now at maintaining a positive attitude on most days, I still have a long way to go. What inspires me to do even better is when someone thanks me for a kindness I’ve done for them or when they tell me I made them feel better after a difficult day or when they simply return a smile when I offered one to them first.
My coworkers unknowingly gave me a precious gift. I still remember their kind words a decade later. Can you imagine offering such a simple sentence as “I’ll miss your smile” and having someone remember it ten years later?!? Well, obviously some of us do remember! :)
I’m ten years too late on this one, but I’ll end this post by saying “thank you” to the coworkers who left me with such a positive message. Your words moved me and inspired me to bring more happiness to the world.
Hugs, y’all. I hope you know who you are. ;)
Steve, if you are reading this, I truly apologize for my appalling behavior. Yes, we had our disagreements, but much of my anger stemmed from my own internal issues. I’m sorry that you had to deal with me and my rants. :(