The Practice of "Three Blessings"
You’ve already learned that in order to be happier, you need to “rewire" your brain, that having gratitude is a secret weapon in your toolbox, and that the possibilities for gratitude are unlimited. Once you understand those basics, it’s time to take your gratitude practice to the next level.
In the coming weeks and months I’ll be offering ideas for your gratitude practice that you can try and see what works best for you. Ultimately, the best practice is one that you will actually do, so keep trying until you find what suits you.
Today I want to start by describing a practice that was created by Martin Seligman, the researcher who is often called the “father of positive psychology.” In 1998 when Mr. Seligman turned his focus toward the study of positive psychology, little was known about how to increase happiness. It’s now widely accepted that having a thankful attitude is one of the simplest ways to increase one’s overall happiness.
In his book Flourish, Mr. Seligman describes an exercise that he named “Three Blessings”1:
Every night for the next week, set aside ten minutes before you go to sleep. Write down three things that went well today and why they went well. You may use a journal or your computer to write about the events, but it is important that you have a physical record of what you wrote. The three things need not be earthshaking in importance (“My husband picked up my favorite ice cream for dessert on the way home from work today”), but they can be important (“My sister just gave birth to a healthy baby boy).
Next to each positive event, answer the question “Why did this happen?” For example, if you wrote that your husband picked up ice cream, write “because my husband is really thoughtful sometimes” or “because I remembered to call him from work and remind him to stop by the grocery store.” Or if you wrote “My sister just gave birth to a healthy baby boy,” you might pick as the cause “God was looking out for her” or “She did everything right during her pregnancy.”
Writing about why the positive events in your life happened may seem awkward at first, but please stick with it for one week. It will get easier. The odds are that you will be less depressed, happier, and addicted to this exercise six months from now.
That’s it! Give it a try and see how it works for you.
From my own experience and other research I’ve done, I have a few more tips for you regarding this exercise:
Write ONLY three things (at least at first).2
Find a "trigger" to help you remember to do the exercise; e.g., after you brush your teeth.3
If you forget to do the exercise, treat it the same way you would when you forget to take certain kinds of medicine: Do it at the moment when you remember but don't "double up" on the dose if you forget for an entire day.4
What sets this exercise apart from other gratitude exercises is the additional “why did it go well” component. It may require some thought to decide why a particular blessing went well. Engaging in this deeper thought may help your mind make the connections it needs to proactively identify the sources of “good” in your life. This is part of the “rewiring” process that will help to increase your happiness set point.
Give this exercise a try for a week. If you don’t like it, move on to another exercise. You can go back to the Notecard Gratitude exercise or wait for future posts at Primrose Ponderings with alternative ideas.
Some friends of mine have started using the term “blissings” instead of “blessings.” If you like that word better, feel free to use it. I’m guessing that Mr. Seligman wouldn’t mind. ;)
There is science behind this recommendation. It turns out that if you easily come up with three things, you’ll feel happier; but if you try to do more and find it to be not as easy, your mind might interpret the struggle as “I don’t have that much to be happy about.” Better to start slow until you’ve had some practice.
If you want to learn more about “triggers” or how to change habits, the book “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg might be helpful.
The reason for this goes back to point #1: If your brain has difficulty coming up with blessings, the exercise can be counterproductive to happiness.